What use is the Letter C?
This week: a passport PSA (yes, send back expired passports), a cringe moment watching a blind man walk into a parked van, and a delightfully silly tour of the subreddit r/LowStakesConspiracies — where people blame everything from gravy to skinny jeans on secret plots. Also: updates about Lore & Disorder subscriber releases and a reminder about the That’s a Free Bee Plus perks.
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Transcript
Welcome to that's a Freebie, the podcast that is cheaper than therapy and twice as confusing.
Speaker A:Sit back, relax, unless you're driving.
Speaker A:It's time for that's a Freebie.
Speaker A:You may recall last week I told you the whole story about me and my passport troubles.
Speaker A:In the text, the telling of that story, I forgot to actually clarify something.
Speaker A:So the.
Speaker A:The whole moral of the story, which I completely skipped at the end, was that the passport problem was all caused by the fact that I had a passport when I was a child and my mum never reported it lost, stolen, or sent it back when it had expired.
Speaker A:So the passport basically expired.
Speaker A:And what you're supposed to do when your passport expires is send it back so that they can destroy it.
Speaker A:Now, what they do now, I don't know if they did it back then is they.
Speaker A:They basically cut the passport, they send it back to you that hadn't been done, which meant that as far as they were concerned, my passport was still out there.
Speaker A:So the moral of the story was if you've got a passport for your kid or even one of your own passports, always send it back when it expires.
Speaker A:I mean, if you.
Speaker A:If you're replacing it for a new one anyway, you're going to be doing that, not a huge problem.
Speaker A:But if you're not going to be replacing it for a newer one, still send it back because it will cause problems in the future.
Speaker A:As found out, I wanted to take just a couple of minutes as well to talk about the podcast as a whole.
Speaker A:Well, not the podcast specifically.
Speaker A:I wanted to let you know that episode two of Law and Disorder has been released to subscribers.
Speaker A:So if you're a subscriber, go and check that in your feed if you haven't already.
Speaker A:And it's just a quick reminder as well, because I don't really advertise it anymore.
Speaker A:I am going to start doing a little bit more frequently soon.
Speaker A:Is that we.
Speaker A:I do have a service called that's a Freebie plus, which you can get to by just going to the website.
Speaker A:And one more thing.net there is a link to it on there and I will be in the coming months.
Speaker A:I'm saying months because I really don't know when I'm going to get around to it, but I need to do it.
Speaker A:I've been saying for ages I'm going to do a little bit of a revamp of that service, of.
Speaker A:Of what you get with it at the moment you get access to a discord and it is literally just me in there because there's not enough members yet to really make a Discord useful.
Speaker A:So I'm actually thinking I might get rid of the discord.
Speaker A:I don't really have to do anything to keep it up.
Speaker A:But we'll see.
Speaker A:We'll see.
Speaker A:You get ad free versions of the podcast again at the moment.
Speaker A:Don't really do ads.
Speaker A:I don't really intend on doing ads, but if I ever do decide to do ads in the future, the, you know, as a subscriber, you'd get ad free versions.
Speaker A:You do get access to all of my shows earlier except this one, because this one I tend to record very close to when it's due to be released because of the.
Speaker A:The way the content works on.
Speaker A:It's not something I can plan that far ahead.
Speaker A:But like Flora Disorder, you get, you get that early.
Speaker A:The draft podcast that I have been working on that the pilot episode of that went out, which gave me a good chance to get some feedback on it.
Speaker A:So you do get access to things earlier.
Speaker A:I do kind of want to start doing like maybe specials or I want to start doing like I used to have a member section.
Speaker A:So there are still whole episodes out there that have a member section at the end of the podcast as well.
Speaker A:I do kind of want to bring that back a little bit, but I'm not quite sure how I want to do it yet.
Speaker A:So it might, it might even be.
Speaker A:Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.
Speaker A:It was hard coming up with something every single week that I wanted to keep just for members.
Speaker A:I just wanted to remind you that that is available because I don't talk about it very often and I am going to start talking about it more pretty soon.
Speaker A:But of course members won't hear me talk about that because I'll cut it out because that'll be an advertisement.
Speaker A:So anyway, moving on, I've got one story for you this week and it's a very, very, very short story.
Speaker A:And then I've got something else which I'll get into in a bit.
Speaker A:So this is.
Speaker A:This really happened.
Speaker A:It sounds completely made up, but it really happened.
Speaker A:I was walking down the street the other day.
Speaker A:I was on my way to work, as I always am when I see these things happen, walking down the street and I saw a blind guy walking towards me.
Speaker A:He had his white stick out.
Speaker A:You're tapping away at the floor like you do to see where you're going.
Speaker A:And I noticed that in his path was a van parked up on a pedestrianized area.
Speaker A:So I'm thinking, well, he's not going to expect that to be there.
Speaker A:What do I do?
Speaker A:Because the right thing to do, I think, really would be to say, just to let you know, mate, there's a van in front of you.
Speaker A:You know, just be careful and let him.
Speaker A:Let him navigate his way around it or offer.
Speaker A:Offer to help him get around it, whichever.
Speaker A:But I didn't want to scare him.
Speaker A:I didn't want to make him jump because it would have meant me, like, getting closer up to him and I was quite a distance from him.
Speaker A:So I would have had to have, like, run to him to get there quick enough to be able to tell him that there was an obstacle in his way.
Speaker A:And then he would have had the footsteps of somebody running up behind him or running up in front of him, I suppose, and then being out of breath and shouting in his ear that he's going to walk into a van.
Speaker A:So I didn't want to scare him.
Speaker A:So I'm a bit like, I don't know what to do.
Speaker A:And then I thought to myself, well, you know what?
Speaker A:He's clearly an experienced blind person, whatever that is.
Speaker A:He knows what he's doing.
Speaker A:He's probably, like, able to notice this.
Speaker A:And what I'll do, well, I'll hang back a little bit and see if I can, you know, see, basically see if he's going to walk into it.
Speaker A:I'll.
Speaker A:I'll try and stop it.
Speaker A:I'll.
Speaker A:I'll shout somewhere.
Speaker A:And then he starts walking along and he's tapping away with his cane.
Speaker A:And I noticed that it was out in front of him, so I thought, oh, he's going to be fine.
Speaker A:And he got to the point where he was just about to touch the van with the cane.
Speaker A:For whatever reason, he decided to switch hands.
Speaker A:So he put it upright, switched his hand, but carried on walking and walked straight into the back of the van.
Speaker A:And.
Speaker A:And I felt like an absolute ass.
Speaker A:I was like, oh, no, no.
Speaker A:And then someone else ran over, was, are you okay?
Speaker A:Oh, let's help you round.
Speaker A:I was like, ah, that could have been me.
Speaker A:Oh, what was I thinking?
Speaker A:Last week, you may recall that before I ended the podcast, I said that I'd had something planned and I was gonna leave it out because I wanted to give it a bit more time.
Speaker A:And, well, this is it.
Speaker A:This is what I was gonna do.
Speaker A:So I discovered a subreddit, which I'm pretty sure I've seen before.
Speaker A:But I rediscovered it, I suppose, called Low Stakes Conspiracies.
Speaker A:And it gave me a bit of a laugh at the things that people put in there and I thought I'd share it with you all.
Speaker A:I've picked some of my favorite ones and I'm gonna read them out.
Speaker A:So low stakes conspiracies is basically conspiracy theories that are probably just like.
Speaker A:I mean, obviously most of them are made up and just for a bit of fun.
Speaker A:I hope people don't believe half of the things that are in here, but they're interesting some of the things that people can come up with.
Speaker A:So number one, the royal family still eat swans and the only reason it's illegal for anyone else to do so is because they're so delicious they want them for themselves.
Speaker A:Not sure about that.
Speaker A:I don't think I would want to eat a swan if I was allowed to next one excuse me formula one is scripted like WWE.
Speaker A: The: Speaker A:Scripted perfectly so that then up and coming Verstappen would be perfectly tied with seven time world champion Hamilton for the final race.
Speaker A: After: Speaker A:The Ferrari plot lines are total rage, bait and constant to the audience.
Speaker A:Wow.
Speaker A:What do you think of that one?
Speaker A:I mean, I don't follow Formula one.
Speaker A:Not anymore.
Speaker A:I used to many years ago.
Speaker A:I used to watch Formula one when the likes of Damon Hill were racing in it.
Speaker A:I haven't seen anything.
Speaker A:I like this one.
Speaker A:Flakes were used to build every building ever since its creation.
Speaker A:Flakes can't melt at normal temperatures and then you freeze them to make steel girders.
Speaker A:This is the most stupid theory I've ever come up with, but I don't regret it.
Speaker A:And then somebody's commented it can't be.
Speaker A:Iron Brew is made from girders and tastes nothing like flakes.
Speaker A:Roadworks aren't actually for work on the road.
Speaker A:Most roadworks carried out are just to store traffic cones and other equipment because it's cheaper to store them on the road than to rent out a warehouse.
Speaker A:Someone's commented, wait until you hear about scaffolding.
Speaker A:I suppose that one does have a little bit of truth to it because generally scaffolding and the cones from roadworks tend to go from works to works to works rather than into storage, because they just sit on the back of a van that's specifically designed to carry that stuff around.
Speaker A:So actually, that's not such an unusual one.
Speaker A:Okay, this one is the great gravy conspiracy.
Speaker A:If you follow the instructions on the back of a jar or tube of instant gravy to the letter.
Speaker A:I've never seen a tube of instant gravy.
Speaker A:The gravy always ends up too thin.
Speaker A:That's true.
Speaker A:Even if you're using freshly boiled water.
Speaker A:I think this is a deliberate ploy so that the salt content per serving appears lower than what it would actually be if you were to make it to a reasonable thickness.
Speaker A:I mean, that could be actually pretty accurate.
Speaker A:I don't.
Speaker A:I don't disagree with that one, actually.
Speaker A:However, it does also depend on your gravy tastes, for lack of a better term.
Speaker A:I like my gravy fairly thick.
Speaker A:I like it so that when you pour it, it pours slowly.
Speaker A:My wife, like gravy really, really thin.
Speaker A:You know, that horrible stuff that's basically just water.
Speaker A:She likes that.
Speaker A:Actually.
Speaker A:Standard serving for her probably would be the.
Speaker A:The salt content that is provided on the packaging.
Speaker A:The letter C only exists because of the Alphabet song.
Speaker A:It's basically useless in English.
Speaker A:C performs no function that isn't also performed by other letters.
Speaker A:The K sound, the S sound, even the ch sound.
Speaker A:It doesn't make any sense as it sounds more like anyway, which is tsh.
Speaker A:But we keep using it because singing the Alphabet song feels weird without it.
Speaker A:Now, I completely agree with this one, actually.
Speaker A:So recently with going through, like reading with my.
Speaker A:With my daughter, the C is the one that always messes her up.
Speaker A:Like it has a different sound dependent on where it is in a word.
Speaker A:And also it can still have a different sound even in the same place in a word.
Speaker A:She's.
Speaker A:There was a point the other day where we were reading a book and the letter C appeared in the middle of the word.
Speaker A:And in one word it made the S sound, and in the other word it made the K sound.
Speaker A:And it drove her insane.
Speaker A:She's like, why not just use the S or the kicking K?
Speaker A:It's a stupid letter, dad.
Speaker A:So, yeah, I agree with that one.
Speaker A:People who change their name to use another name are scared of witches.
Speaker A:People who use the same name throughout their life are witches.
Speaker A:What?
Speaker A:It's a well known fact that witches can only harm you if they know your real name.
Speaker A:So naturally, many people use an alias of some kind to avoid being harmed by witches.
Speaker A:William Pitt became Brad Pitt, for example.
Speaker A:Maria Berry became Halle Berry, and so on.
Speaker A:They're cowardly, sure, but who can blame them when they go up against a fearsome power of witchcraft?
Speaker A:So that means that people who don't feel the need to change their name must be witches.
Speaker A:They don't fear witches because they are witches.
Speaker A:They have the necessary magical power to repel attacks from other witches.
Speaker A:Billy Bob Thornton, Quentin Tarantino, Uma Thurman to give us some examples.
Speaker A:Now, to be honest, they don't actually seem like they are most likely to be witches.
Speaker A:That was a terrible sentence.
Speaker A:Am I a witch?
Speaker A:No.
Speaker A:I changed my name and I'm using my nickname and my married name as well as a pen name and this fake name on Reddit.
Speaker A:You bet I'm a coward.
Speaker A:I'm proud of it.
Speaker A:Good luck using witchcraft against me.
Speaker A:What?
Speaker A:I hope that's somebody having a joke.
Speaker A:I mean, I guess that means that I'm afraid of witches because I use the name Diggy, which isn't my real name.
Speaker A:So, I mean, yeah, I'm afraid of witches.
Speaker A:I don't want to be cursed.
Speaker A:UK double strength squash is not double strength.
Speaker A:I have to use the same squash to water ratio as I used as a kid in the 90s and my tastes haven't changed.
Speaker A:If anything, I probably prefer it weaker.
Speaker A:I think when it first became a thing it was stronger, but now it's just normal squash in a smaller bottle.
Speaker A:They tell you it's double strength to make it seem better value.
Speaker A:Normal strength squash now is a weaker version.
Speaker A:Part of the conspiracy to make me think double is double.
Speaker A:Yeah, I don't think I, I don't think I 100% agree with that because we have double strength squash and if I put just a little bit in the bottom, it's way too sweet for me.
Speaker A:So yeah, I don't know, maybe, maybe it just all depends on your taste buds.
Speaker A:Maybe you've just gotten used to have it sweeter over the years.
Speaker A:Who knows?
Speaker A:Clothing manufacturers keep trying to bring skinny jeans back because they use less fabric.
Speaker A:I'm seeing skinny jeans on ads everywhere.
Speaker A:But loose fit boyfriend, barrel baggy on most humans.
Speaker A:I think Big Gene is upset over the cost of denim and trying to make everyone squeeze back into smaller clothes.
Speaker A:I don't think I have any comments on that.
Speaker A:I don't wear skinny jeans, so I don't care.
Speaker A:Trust me, you don't want to see me in skinny jeans.
Speaker A:The original intent of double yellow lines was as bicycle lanes, but it was poorly communicated and bikers weren't good enough at biking to stay within, so they were repurposed.
Speaker A:Wow.
Speaker A:Yeah, that's probably not true.
Speaker A:Pretty sure double yellows existed before biking lanes did hold Music is intentionally loud and distorted.
Speaker A:It discourages staying on the line and reduces the amount of incoming calls.
Speaker A:I don't know.
Speaker A:To be honest.
Speaker A:I think all it does is make you angry.
Speaker A:It's never discouraged me from from staying on the line.
Speaker A:Pot noodles don't need to be stirred I don't agree with this already, but I'm still going to read it just in case it can convince me.
Speaker A:You can just pour boiling water into a pot noodle, leave it for a bit and it'll be ready.
Speaker A:The instructions to stir it halfway through serves three purposes it feels more like cooking.
Speaker A:By evolving a utensil and doing something to the noodles, it adds a sneaky extra minute to the cooking time.
Speaker A:The time it takes to peel the COVID off, stir it and press the COVID back on takes about a minute, which isn't listed in the instructions, making it seem like it cooked quicker.
Speaker A:Getting Getting people to interact with the noodles introduces the possibility of user error, giving the company plausible deniability.
Speaker A:In the case of a defective product, people wonder if they might have stirred the noodles wrong or messed up the timing, whereas the simpler instructions would know that the noodles are at fault.
Speaker A:Yeah, I don't agree with that.
Speaker A:I can understand, right?
Speaker A:I can get the it adds additional cooking time because it does.
Speaker A:Although if they don't say anywhere on the packaging, this is taking a minute less.
Speaker A:It literally says leave it for this long, stir it for this long, leave it for this long.
Speaker A:But I've.
Speaker A:I've had a non stirred pot noodle and all that happens is the water doesn't make it right to the very edges of the bottom and you end up with a horrible powderiness at the bottom of it.
Speaker A:It's happened to me, so no, I don't agree with that one.
Speaker A:It definitely needs to be stirred.
Speaker A:What I actually like to do.
Speaker A:This is weird but I. I do it anyway.
Speaker A:I don't care.
Speaker A:Before I pour the water into the pot noodle, I lift the contents of it out of the tub, the noodles and I put them on a plate and then I fish the peas out because I don't like peas.
Speaker A:This is depends on the one I'm having but I f out and then I put the noodles back in but I put them upside down and what I do, all the powder then has fallen to the bottom and then when I pour the water in I pour the water up up to the fill line and the noodles slowly dissolve into the water and it mixes really really well.
Speaker A:So there is your secret pot noodle cooking hack.
Speaker A:I mean I don't think it's cooking but still.
Speaker A:And then finally, finally what conspiracy theory forum wouldn't be a conspiracy theory forum without a conspiracy theory that the forum is a conspiracy theory R forward slash low stakes conspiracies is a government psyop to see which industry shadow practices are believable to the public.
Speaker A:If the mods delete this post it's because I'm right and they are feds.
Speaker A:And then the top comment or the only comment at the moment is delete this.
Speaker A:Now there you have it.
Speaker A:Low stakes conspiracies.
Speaker A:Tell me what you think.
Speaker A:Have a check out yourself.
Speaker A:Send me in some of your favorite ones that you can see on there.
Speaker A:That is all for this week.
Speaker A:I am going to finish with a reminder that you can go to and1morething.net where you can see more of my stuff.
Speaker A:You can fill in a little form and send me suggestion for jokes for the end of the podcast.
Speaker A:You can send me suggestions for law and disorder.
Speaker A:You can send me any feedback that you want.
Speaker A:But without further ado, let's end with this week's joke.
Speaker A:A guy gets home from work and notices a gorilla in a tree in his front yard.
Speaker A:He rushes into his house and frantically searches Google.
Speaker A:Sure enough, he finds a webpage for a local gorilla exterminator.
Speaker A:So he calls a number and he waits.
Speaker A:Wait, there's local gorilla exterminators?
Speaker A:That doesn't sound right.
Speaker A:It's fine.
Speaker A:I'll let it go.
Speaker A:I'll let it go.
Speaker A:A few minutes later, a van pulls up.
Speaker A:A man jumps out and he pulls out a ladder, a net and some rope along with a baseball bat and a shotgun.
Speaker A:Then he opens the passenger door and a pit bull jumps out.
Speaker A:He says, hi, I'm the gorilla exterminator.
Speaker A:I usually have an assistant, but he's sick today.
Speaker A:So if you want me to get that gorilla out of that tree, I'm gonna need your help.
Speaker A:The homeowner says, what do I need to do?
Speaker A:The gorilla exterminator says, I'm gonna put this ladder up against the tree and.
Speaker A:And then I'm going to go up the ladder with the baseball bat.
Speaker A:I'm going to hit the gorilla with the baseball bat and knock him out of the tree.
Speaker A:And the pitbull is specially trained.
Speaker A:So as soon as the gorilla hits the ground, the pitbull is going to rush towards him and grab him in the groin area.
Speaker A:The gorilla will be so stunned, but he won't be able to move for a few moments.
Speaker A:When that happens, I need you to throw this net over the gorilla.
Speaker A:Then I'll come down out of the tree, tie the gorilla up with the rope and put him in the back of the van and I'll be on my way.
Speaker A:Do you think you can do that?
Speaker A:The homeowner says, so all I need to do is throw the net over the gorilla.
Speaker A:Yeah, I could do that.
Speaker A:And the gorilla exterminator starts climbing the ladder when the homeowner suddenly says, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Speaker A:What's the shotgun for?
Speaker A:The gorilla exterminator comes back down the ladder and goes, oh, my God, I forgot the most important part.
Speaker A:There is a small chance that instead of me knocking the gorilla out of the tree, the gorilla will knock me out of the tree.
Speaker A:If that happens, shoot the pit bull.
